Mental abuse is the long, steady wearing-down of a person's mind: their confidence, their peace, their ability to think clearly. It overlaps with emotional and psychological abuse, and its hallmark is exhaustion. You feel tired all the time, anxious, and not like yourself.
Signs of mental abuse
- Constant pressure and criticism that leaves you second-guessing every decision.
- Being made to feel crazy, stupid or "too much."
- Unpredictable moods that keep you on high alert.
- Pressure into decisions you know aren't right, like money or moving.
- Anxiety, depression or burnout that started or got worse during the relationship.
What it looked like for me
By 2010, I was so worn down that I had to take seven months of medical leave for anxiety and depression. I'd been pushed into decisions I knew we couldn't afford, blamed for everything, and never allowed to rest. I didn't connect my health to the relationship until years later. More in My Story.
What it does to your body and mind
Living with constant threat keeps your nervous system in fight, flight, freeze or fawn mode. Fawn means trying to please and appease to stay safe. Over years, that stress shows up as anxiety, depression, poor sleep and physical illness. The good news: when the stress lifts, the body often recovers faster than you'd expect. Mine did.
Getting free
- Talk to a doctor about how you're feeling. It's one of the most important steps I ever took.
- Give your nervous system safe moments every day: a walk, slow breathing, time alone.
- If you're having thoughts of ending your life, call or text 988 (US and Canada) or see Get Help Now.
Tools that help with mental abuse
Building awareness: The Strangest Secret and Nuggets of Gold helped me retrain what I let my mind dwell on.
The principle behind the healing: My Physical Body Is My Temple: caring for your body and mind as an expression of you. See Principles for Living.
Shadow work: questions to journal
- When do I feel most tense in my body? What's usually happening around me?
- Whose approval am I still trying to win by pushing myself past my limits?
- What would rest look like if I truly believed I deserved it?
Owning your patterns never means owning their abuse.