Verbal abuse is using words to hurt, control or diminish another person. It can be loud, like yelling and name-calling, or quiet, like a cold remark, a constant correction or a "joke" at your expense.
Signs of verbal abuse
- Name-calling and insults, in private or in front of others.
- Put-downs disguised as jokes, followed by "you're too sensitive."
- Constant criticism of how you talk, dress, work or parent.
- Yelling, threats or intimidation, including a forceful "no" that ends every discussion.
- Speaking down to you, especially in front of the children.
- Denying it happened: "I never said that."
What it looked like for me
The insults and put-downs came with every disagreement, often in front of our kids. And when I wanted to talk about something, I'd get a forceful, intimidating "no" that ended the conversation. Over time, I stopped speaking up at all. More in My Story.
Why words hurt so much
When you hear something often enough, your mind starts to repeat it. That's how an abuser's voice becomes your inner critic. Healing means noticing that voice, recognizing whose it really is, and choosing a different one.
Getting free
- Notice the difference between disagreement and abuse: disagreement is about the issue; abuse attacks you.
- You don't have to argue back. You can calmly end the conversation and leave the room.
- Keep a private record of what was said and when.
Tools that help with verbal abuse
Building awareness: The Strangest Secret is a reminder that we become what we think about, including the words we've accepted about ourselves.
The principle behind the healing: Self-Awareness: the words I allow within become the actions I create without. See Principles for Living.
Shadow work: questions to journal
- What is one sentence my inner critic says most often? Whose voice does it sound like?
- Where did I learn to stay quiet instead of speaking up?
- What would I say to a friend who was spoken to the way I've been spoken to?
Owning your patterns never means owning their abuse.